The quotes below are said to be written by actual students and are genuine, authentic, and unedited.
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandement was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. he fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, ‘a man doth not live by sweat alone.’
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony
During the reign of Henry III’s young son, Edward VI (1547–1553), England made long strides toward Protestantism. Protestant tutors were put in charge of Edward’s education, and at an early age Edward became familiar with the works of John Calvin and those of the Strasbourg Reformer Martin Bucer. At Edward’s coronation, Thomas Cranmer (1489–1556) referred to him as the second Josiah, as a king who would restore England to the true religion. (It was under Josiah’s reign in Judah that the “book of the law” was found in the temple—2 Kings 22). Under Edward’s leadership, a number of important changes took place: religious services were conducted in English; the Catholic Mass was abolished; clergy were permitted to marry; and English Bibles were freely printed. Not everyone was happy with these changes, however. Henry’s brand of Catholicism was still very popular, as future Reformers soon discovered. Edward, sickly and frail from birth with chronic tuberculosis, reigned for only six years. On July 6, 1553, the young king died, praying, “My Lord and God, save this realm from popery, and maintain it in true religion.” He was sixteen.
