The Bible According to Kids

The quotes below are said to be written by actual students and are genuine, authentic, and unedited.

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

The first commandement was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. he fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption. St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, ‘a man doth not live by sweat alone.’

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.

A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony

Truths We Confess - New commentary of WCF by RC Sproul

Truths We Confess, Volume 1: A Triune God (A Layman's Guide to the Westminster Confession of Faith) (Hardcover)

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Publisher Description: Timeless truths—viewed in their enduring relevance. In his three-volume exposition of the Westminster Confession of Faith, R.C. Sproul writes with both insight into current issues and clarity for lay readers. The resulting commentary will long serve the church as an invaluable aid for digesting and teaching the eternal truths of Scripture. Why teach biblical truth from a confession of faith? Sproul explains: “Though human confessions and creeds are penned by fallible people without the benefit of the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, I stand in awe at the profound level of theological and biblical precision manifest in the Westminster Confession of Faith. I would argue that the Westminster Standards are the most precise and accurate summaries of the content of biblical Christianity ever set forth in a creedal form. . . . in my judgment, no historic confession surpasses in eloquence, grandeur, and theological accuracy the Westminster Confession of Faith.” This first volume (of three), covering chapters 1–8 of the confession, explains what we need to understand about Holy Scripture, God and the Trinity, his decree, creation, providence, the fall into sin, God’s covenant, and Christ the Mediator. Every discussion is geared toward bringing us to a deeper knowledge of and greater love for the doctrines of grace set forth in God’s Word. View the Table of Contents